Chaotic & Imperfect Truth

It’s absolutely astonishing how life can shock us even when we’ve come to believe it’s anything but refreshing… God continues to place things in front of my eyes and deep within my heart that I could never have predicted or desired for myself. I’ve grown an immense amount this past semester, and the changes I’ve seen in myself in the past year defy even my own understanding.

I’m finding the courage to dig deeper and deeper within myself; to uncover the reality behind my everyday life. I have hidden so much pain and so many emotions, and they’ve aged with me because I refused to set them free. However, those emotions are instrumental in who I am, and for that I am very grateful. I find a dirtiness in my bones; an impurity that both suffocates my heart and brings beauty to my world. I feel the weight of the pain I’ve inflicted, the ignorance, and the carelessness that comes with my humanity. I’m forever broken and shattered by my own forces. Still, those deep gashes in my heart and fissures in my soul are redeemed and made to bring forth beauty. 

The beauty that shocks us to stillness and steals our very breath is beauty that is ridden with imperfection, but still manages to radiate with vivid and magnificent force.

Once I tapped into the truth of that beauty I couldn’t get enough. I began to be honest with myself and share that with those around me. The effects were staggering; my own vulnerability and pain sparked so much love and connection with the people around me. Still, it’s a risky business sharing the deep parts of yourself with anyone because they might not be a lasting presence in your life. When I poured my heart out to someone who walked away weeks later, I felt betrayed and disgusting. But in his absence I connected with a number of amazing new people. Love poured into my life from so many unexpected places when I felt alone, and I’m intensely grateful for that. Things didn't happen the way I wanted them to, or expected them to, but I can find myself developing patience, because I know every season of life has purpose, especially seasons of waiting.

This journey is beautiful and chaotic; it gets messy and uncomfortable, but there’s so much beauty in every step. Our lives are both precarious and unpredictable, so it’s hard to make plans that anyone can count on. Still, we won't ever lose the honest, emotional moments that we share with people who matter.  The tenderness we share with others is comforting and real; even when people we can't imagine life without are taken from us, or walk away willingly that tenderness is never wasted.