Inked.

Let me start this post by admitting that I love tattoos. I think they can be a beautiful expression of a life story when they are well thought-out and artistic. I'm not a proponent of getting a tattoo just for the sake of having one, but obviously I think they can be done right! I have two tattoos now, and I'm very fond of them both because they mean so much to me. I didn't ask permission for either of them, because they're on my body, and represent something only I can fully understand. (Sorry mom J)

I always get questions about my tattoos, so I thought I'd share my inspiration for the newest one here. My roommate and very dear friend, Mackenzie, designed this cross for me. That, in and of itself, has so much meaning to it. Mackenzie has supported me and lifted me up in some very difficult times. She's seen my struggles and weaknesses, but continues to love me anyway. I wouldn't have asked anyone else to design this for me! When we started talking about what I wanted several months ago, I explained what I was looking for and let her creativity do the rest. 

My life has been a roller coaster of sadness and joy, defeat and triumph. I've lost people very close to me with no understanding of why. I had a hole in my heart from a young age when my dad was deployed. I've been so lost and hopeless that I turned to people who simply took advantage of my brokenness and hurt me further.  I turned to men, alcohol, partying, self-harm, anorexia, and attempted suicide to cope with the darkness I saw and felt within my soul. Luckily, the Lord found me amidst me suffering, and I gave my heart up to Him in desperation. God brought people into my life that I could trust and lean on in times of hardship and doubt. God is still teaching me how to love myself, but that battle never really ends. Now that I'm flourishing in college, I'm constantly amazed that all of the suffering I inflicted upon myself and faced from others has inspired incredible growth. God has recycled the sadness in my life, and brought joy forth. I've been able to support others through their battles in a special way. I've learned to depend on God for fulfillment. I've learned to be vulnerable and honest, because love isn't real without it. My life is rich and full because I let God heal me and teach me. The cross Mackenzie designed is very sharp and harsh-- the lines are dark and the edges hard. I wanted this to represent the hardship and pain of my suffering, and the immense suffering Jesus endured on the cross. Intertwined with the cross is a vine that sprouts into flowers; I wanted this to represent the vulnerability, beauty, life, and growth that God brought forth from my suffering. It also shows that Jesus' sacrifice made life possible for humanity. My life will never be devoid of hardship, but if I keep God as my focus, I will continue to grow and find new life. Every step I take, I'll see my tattoo and be reminded of that beautiful truth. 

 

The City of Brotherly Love

I was lucky enough to spend a week in Philadelphia, PA with a group of 9 inspiring Bennies and Johnnies and 2 fantastic staff people. My friend Colin and I were the co-leaders of the trip, and facilitated a lot of the pre-trip preparation, but we had an easy job in Philly because our group took the lead all on their own! We spent the week with the Center for Student Missions or CSM, an organization that facilitates service trips for groups all over the country, and gives us a place to stay and an awesome host for the week. So after 22 fun-filled hours of driving over 2 days, we arrived in Philly and brought a snow storm with us! It was barely a storm by Minnesota standards, but three inches of snow got school cancelled on Monday for Philly’s students.

On Sunday when we arrived around 4 PM, we had a chance to unpack quick, then hop back in the van to grab dinner at a fabulous Indian restaurant. After dinner we began a prayer tour of the city, and it was one of the greatest introductions to a city I’ve ever had. We spent about 2 hours driving around Philadelphia and praying for the different issues it’s facing. Our host Brittany didn’t stop talking for more than a minute or two, because there was so much to share about the city. We saw the famous areas of Philly like the City Hall and Love Park, but then we started touring the impoverished areas of Philly like Kensington. We stopped under a bridge to pray for the homeless men, women, and children of Philly. We stopped by various schools in rough neighborhoods that are doing their best to help students succeed, but are facing budget cuts and other problems. We stopped by missions that strive to assist the marginalized people of Philly, and we even stopped by a few of the beautiful murals that cover Philadelphia. We ended our prayer tour with heavy hearts, at a scenic overlook of the city. As we looked out at the beautiful nighttime skyline, it was easy to see that things look better from far away. Brittany encouraged us, and told us that despite the heaviness of the issues, we’d see a lot of promise in Philly during the week. She was unmistakably correct.

We spent our week in Philly serving with a variety of organizations. We spent a morning with the Inglis House, a home for people who are wheelchair bound for a variety of reasons. Despite the conditions of the residents, we saw so much joy and life in the people we met! Each and every person we met had a distinct personality, and they weren’t hesitant to share it with us. It was inspiring to say the least.

We spent another morning working with men at the Whosoever Gospel Mission. This organization houses men who recently got off the streets, or left jail. The staff provide resources for the men like work at the thrift shop, or work around the housing facility. The community strives to uplift the men and give them the resources they need to get back on their feet and find work. We helped sort clothes at their thrift shop and then had an opportunity to talk with the men over lunch. Each of the residents we spoke with had a life story that was both complex and unpredictable. Our group had stereotypes shattered as we spoke to these men who had come from a variety of situations, but treated us all with kindness and respect. There was an incredible sense of solidarity within that community, and we were lucky to be welcomed in!

We also volunteered with the Honickman Learning Center for three afternoons. Honickman provides after school care and tutoring for students in elementary school through high school, but all of the students are from the projects. Somewhere around 70% of the students at Honickman don’t have father figures in their lives, and many of them didn’t get three meals a day at home. They came from a rough area, and faced a lot of challenges. We worked with Ms. Chris’s class for the week and were able to help 2^nd and 3^rd grade students. We noticed very quickly that many of the students had issues with learning and discipline, but they still met us with kindness, joy, and excitement every day. Ms. Chris was stern and focused with the students—she spoke of college frequently, and reminded the students that there is a better life outside the projects, but they’ll have to work very hard for it. She understands how incredibly difficult it is for kids to break the cycle of poverty, and avoid getting wrapped up in illegal activities. But Ms. Chris and all of the teachers at Honickman empower the students there, and do everything they can to help them break the cycle.

Another moving experience for our group was working with Hands of Hope delivering bag lunches to homeless people seeking shelter in the subway. We began the night with 20 lunches, and gave every single one away. We split up into smaller groups and spent a couple hours walking around trying to talk with various people and give them some food. Many of our group were nervous, because they had negative experiences with homeless people in the past or were fearful of them. However, every single one of us met people in the subway who were kind and loving toward us. We heard stories from various people who faced huge challenges in life, and were simply down on their luck. We met others who were resistant to take the food, or to talk with strangers. We had a variety of experiences, but none of them were what we expected. There was a sense of community in the subway—people were taking care of each other, and they were seeking connection with others. We were glad to provide a meal to anyone, but even more grateful to listen to their stories for a while and show them compassion. Our hearts ached for the people we met, but we were moved by their joy and openness.

Our other service experiences were sorting toys with Salvation Army, cleaning up the streets with Rays of Hope, and sorting food with Philabundance. These experiences didn’t work directly with people who needed help, and sometimes they were less-than-glamorous tasks. In each situation, the work was never-ending. It was important for us to contribute to these organizations, and to see that those jobs are important too. It inspired great respect for the people who work tirelessly to help others, and often don’t receive thanks for it. Philadelphia is a city with so many nonprofit organizations and churches working toward justice—it’s astonishing. We were uplifted by each of them, but recognized that there’s still so much to be done.

Our experiences were so fruitful, and reflecting on them provided even more insight for us. We began the week with the prayer tour, and it left us with heavy hearts. It was difficult to hear about the issues in Philly because they felt insurmountable—what kind of difference could we make in one short week? Incredibly enough, as we were able to work with people throughout the week we felt more and more encouraged. Each person we meant was a gift, and inspired us in a new way. As we worked on issues it felt like change was possible, it was only in the beginning before we had begun work that we saw change as impossible. We shattered stereotypes, crushed fears, built community, trusted each other, and spent a life-changing week together. I will forever be inspired by a city full of beautiful murals and miraculous people, and the friends I explored it with. 

Contrary to Everything You've Heard About Your Twenties...

Contrary to everything you may have heard about your twenties, these aren’t the years to be selfish. I’ve heard over and over that your college years and the decade after college are supposed to be focused on nothing but YOU. “Travel the world, party with friends, cross things off your bucket list, and do everything EXCEPT get attached to anyone. Remember, this time is all about you—you’re allowed to be selfish.”

To be brutally honest, I think this is a ridiculous façade of a generation that doesn’t know how to love. I’m an advocate for growing as a person, I think it’s absolutely crucial that we use our twenties to become independent and mature. I think it’s important that we follow our own paths, rather than paths that others push us to pursue. However, that’s very different than being selfish. When we see our twenties as a time to focus only on ourselves, not only do we set horrible habits for our adult lives, but we wreck opportunities for life-giving, meaningful relationships. We don’t learn how to be supportive friends that stick around at life’s hardest moments, we don’t learn when to put other’s needs before our own, and we don’t consider our part in greater communities. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to cheat myself out of valuable life experiences like that.

Our world is becoming increasingly personalized; social media is tailored to each person’s interests and allows us to pick and choose what we see and what we don’t. When a huge portion of our population receives all of its news from social media, we’re in danger of limiting our understanding of the world. This is a time when we should be having crazy, fun experiences, but it’s also a time where we should be learning about our place in the world. Where do we fit into the bigger picture if we only focus on our own desires? Who will we help? What will we do to solve our nation’s gravest dilemmas? Our world’s?

This year I’ve come to recognize that selfishness is one of the most disgusting qualities of college students. I’ve had friends turn away from me in times of need because they didn’t want to be burdened by my troubles in their times of joy. I’ve had people tell me that it should go without saying that they appreciate me—they shouldn’t have to make time for me, or show gestures of affection, I should just know. I’ve seen men take what they want from women without regard for their emotions or wishes. Sexual assault is a devastating problem on my campus that became very real to me this past weekend at a party. My friend was backed into a corner, grabbed, kissed, and pushed around by guys that didn’t even ask her name—much less ask permission to do any of those things. A culture of sexual assault is a culture where personal satisfaction is seen as more important than respect for others—selfishness at its core. Maybe it’s a part of being young, maybe it’s our generation, but I’m deeply dissatisfied with the culture of selfishness that I’ve come to know.

While your twenties should be a time of excitement, adventure, learning, and growth, those experiences are meant to be shared. It’s a time of incredible opportunity to develop life-long friendships that are based on mutual support. This is a time where we learn to not only take care of ourselves, but take care of our friends when they need it. Life’s greatest lessons are learned through relationship with others. Life’s joys are greatest when shared. While it’s tempting to see this period as a time for selfishness, I’m choosing to see it as a time for self-discovery through investment in friendships, family, and community. I’m very confident that the more I give, the more I will be fulfilled.

The Business of Forgiveness

In our culture forgiveness is a nice sentiment and a core value we teach our children, but not a practice to be taken seriously. Our government recoils at the thought of bringing forgiveness into our international relations, our society chooses retribution over forgiveness for the millions of ex-offenders released back into society each year, and couples choose to sue each other and get as much monetary compensation as possible upon divorce. In our personal lives, we are reluctant to admit fault or apologize, and I’ve found that we are even more reluctant to truly forgive the wrongs committed against us. Despite our reluctance, forgiveness is a pillar in the Christian tradition:

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.’”

Jesus’ reply shows us that forgiveness isn’t limited for the most loyal and deserving of people. We all act against our better intentions at times, and hold anger, resentment, and bitterness in our hearts more than we like to admit. We all need to be forgiven by our brothers and sisters and our Father, but we also need to forgive.

Our culture praises machismo and glorifies war heroes, so forgiveness is frequently seen as the weaker response to injustice. In my opinion, forgiveness is the most difficult and most healing response to injustice. 

Forgiveness primes even the most difficult situations for renewal, by allowing pain to be acknowledged, and let go. 

It may be counter-intuitive, but forgiveness often benefits the person forgiving more than the perpetrator being forgiven. When a ‘friend’ told me in middle school that I should kill myself because nobody cares about me, I was deeply hurt. That comment, and many like it, led me to hate myself and my life. It was completely unjustified and violent—I am fully aware of that. However, by holding onto the pain and refusing to forgive the people who hurt me, I developed a fear of trusting anyone. The damage only increased with my inability to forgive and let go, but when I was able to forgive them years later (without an apology of any kind) I allowed myself to trust again, and benefitted from positive, close relationships for the first time in years. 

I’m not suggesting that we should validate injustice with forgiveness, or ignore it altogether. We should directly address injustice while also forgiving those who do wrong, so as to create opportunity for new beginnings. This principle should be applied in personal relationships, national decision-making, international interaction, and even with ourselves. For many of us, it can be most difficult to forgive ourselves when we fall short. Just like any other situation, we can’t heal or become better without first forgiving ourselves and letting go of blame. When we hold tight to our imperfections and mistakes, we block out vulnerability and compromise our most important relationships—including our relationship with God. It’s difficult, but much better, to recognize our limitations and imperfections and be gentle with ourselves. God can’t fill us up or make us new if we don’t relinquish control of our brokenness.

Learning forgiveness is a life-long journey, and it’s well worth the effort.