"We need to talk."

As a Sophomore in college, I have a lot of pride in my school! I love being at a school full of powerful women that are motivated and confident in their ability to make change in the world, and that we do so alongside our inspiring Johnnie friends. However, I’ve been here for a year and a half and I have seen many things that disappoint me.

When I was looking at different colleges, I was really drawn to the idea of traditional Bennies & Johnnies. We’re polite, hospitable, respectful, genuine, and down-to-earth. Johnnies don’t believe chivalry is dead; they open doors and give up their seats on the bus for Bennies. These things aren’t necessary, women are clearly capable of taking care of themselves, but they are wonderful gestures of respect and appreciation. I saw Bennies as women who are kind above all else. They are above gossiping, judging other women, and petty drama. We care about real issues, real life, and real people. I imagined this campus would be a welcoming place, full of fruitful relationships that push us all to be better people.

So what’s the problem, right?

My view of Bennies and Johnnies after a year and a half at this school is less positive than the people I imagined spending my college years with. This is not to say there aren’t phenomenal, inspiring people at CSB/SJU; I have met so many amazing people here, and I have no doubt I will continue to meet more every day. However, I think as a student body we are trapped in some not-so-Minnesota-nice standards. These are problems that I’m sure every college campus in the nation faces. We have an evident and sickening problem with sexual assault that none of us can ignore. We have women and men feeling used and mistreated. We have students across the board thinking the only way to a solid relationship is through physical intimacy. And we have students who believe if they use their voices, they’ll wind up single for the rest of college.

Mat Kearney wrote a love song for our school called Bennie & a Johnnie in 2012, that is sweet, compelling, and heartwarming. However, relationships at our school are not generally characterized by the same adjectives. I have seen relationships characterized by poor communication, insecurity, and disloyalty. We’ve had many speakers come to our campuses in the year and a half I’ve been here to talk about hookup culture and the disrespect that characterizes romantic relationships in our generation. One of my personal favorites, Kari-Shane Davis Zimmerman (KSDZ) always inspires her audiences to go out and make change. KSDZ has been a mentor for me at CSB and she always gives me the reality check I need, while empowering me to do what I know is right. She has talked about the problem with “hooking up” and the idea that sex is, and should be, separate from emotions. To have physical intimacy with any person engages our hearts and emotions, because we are human. To detach ourselves from those emotions is to deny our humanity. We’re all looking for companionship, comfort, excitement, connection, and ultimately love. However, I’m fairly confident most college students don’t know how to go about finding those things. When over half the marriages in this country end in divorce, and many of our own families are filled with heartbreak and dysfunction, we don’t always see great examples around us.

Who thinks hooking up without any real emotional attachment is fun? Well it would seem that everyone does… but when you actually start asking the question the truth comes out: the vast majority of students here are not seeking emotionless, meaningless, futureless hookups—they’re seeking happy, fulfilling, and meaningful relationships with people that are not centered purely on physical intimacy. I’d guess there are more than a few students who have found, as I have, that hooking up does not lead to happiness or self-confidence. I’ve searched, time and time again, for validation in men. There were two huge problems: The first being that I wanted a romantic relationship to be my ‘fix-all.’ The truth is, it takes a lot of personal reflection and discovery to learn to love who you are—nobody else can take you to that place. The second problem was that I let myself be reduced to a bystander in my relationships. I didn’t assertively pursue what I wanted in those relationships, out of fear that I might scare the guy away. Instead, I put up with being treated as if I was unimportant and sat by as the relationship spiraled downward into a disastrous point-of-no-return.

I put a stop to that behavior in my own life, and I hope to encourage those around me to do the same. I’m confident that we all want a different future for ourselves than what we see at our schools. We’re looking for healthy relationships with open communication and real substance, so how do we get there?

1. First off, I’d suggest we quit basing our self-worth on how desirable we are to the opposite sex; that’s a slippery slope to unjustified low self-esteem and fruitless relationships.

2. Next, we need to do a better job of empowering each other. We’ve all seen Mean Girls; remember what Tina Fey says? “Calling each other whores and sluts just makes it okay for guys to call you whores and sluts.” Don’t underestimate the power of language; even sexist jokes contribute to a society where women are seen as submissive sex objects. If you think that’s wrong don’t passively participate, actively oppose it.

3. Know what you want, and don’t expect a relationship to show you what you want. On the flip side, don’t date someone who doesn’t; you will never be the right person for someone who doesn’t know what they want. Be intentional about how you start a relationship and where it goes.

4. SPEAK UP.

·      Say what you think and be open about what you feel. If you aren’t honest with someone, you aren’t giving them the       opportunity to know who you really are!

·      Ask questions. If you don’t understand what your relationship is or where the boundaries lie, be direct and ask. There is no reason to waste time wondering what’s going on, it’ll only fuel insecurity and lead to getting hurt. And for the record: confidence is sexy, so let go of your fears.

·      BE CLEAR. Don’t play games; we should all be past that stage. Be clear about what you want, who you are, and where things lie between you and another person.

5. Don’t use alcohol as an excuse. If you’re interested in someone—ask him/her to grab dinner with you so you can get to know each other better. If you’re feeling lonely or wanting a relationship, getting drunk and finding a guy/girl to spend your night with is not the way to solve your problems. It’s immature and completely counterproductive.

These 5 changes could lead to a community that supports respectful, genuine, meaningful relationships, rather than a community of awkward hook-ups and passive aggressive relationships. Let’s ditch the anxiety-inducing phrase “we need to talk,” and make conversation normal again.

We all deserve better. Let’s start setting better examples.